Ummm, what’s that thing I do again? It’ll come to me in a minute… Oh yeah, play football! Yeah, that’s it!

Welcome to contemporary America, where the fad of “Tebowing” is both sweeping and dividing the nation. Tee-what? Tebowing, named after hyper-religious Denver Broncos quarterback, Tim Tebow, is the act of taking a knee in prayer, usually while you’re actually doing something else. Like playing footy.

Tebow has been doing it for months in Broncos games, although he won’t be doing it any more this season, or not onfield anyway, after his team was thumped by the New England Patriots on the weekend. Apparently God prefers a patriot to a believer.

You know, watching the above video I’m quite surprised that not a single hand has headed in for a grope. What is wrong with those people? Ok, crudeness aside, well, no, not aside, I’m going straight into the land of crude and setting off fireworks.

So, Katy Perry has a great rack, I think we can all agree on that (except maybe socially awkward mildly retarded introverts who get angry at other females who have sex appeal above that of a toad), she always wears low cut tiny tops, and always seems to like draping her fans faces in her giant jugs while singing and leaning forward.

Thus, I present to you my ultimate challenge for 2012.

If you ever get a front row seat to one of her concerts, and are within boob groping range, ensure your friends all have their mobile phones out, bring a printed A4 sign saying something corny like “KATY, I has teh cancer n amb dying, pls to be kissing me!” and when she leans in to give you a smooch, or does her usual drape the audience faces in her norks, that is the moment!

The moment you cease to be a useless waste of skin and become an internet god.

I want you to reach up with both hands, as though you are about to embrace her tenderly, then take a firm hold of the top of her shirt and rip her fucking top off.

If you succeed, I needn’t explain the level of awesome rewards life will offer you, but the mere fact you’d have a face full of K-titty should be reward enough. Now pass this on to all your friends to increase the odds of this operation being successful.

Whether it’s Lene’s haunting vocals, or Rene’s laid back “I don’t English well” MC style mixed with creepy capes, weird hoods yanked straight from the head of Laibach’s lead singers head (another Euro-pop-pseudo-goth band (equally shameful, don’t admit you know who they are)) while leaning over to try and take a peek at Lene’s duct tape covered nipples (there’s plenty of nudes of her out there, use google you sick fucks), they’ve always been catchy as fuck, and it goes without saying their new track is equally addictive. Support a dying pop band, give it a whirl. You know you want to.

Now that I’ve successfully abused parentheses adequately, on with the video. Hide your shame, and pretend you didn’t listen to this; most of all, pretend you didn’t hit repeat.

This is the logic that led to ‘Octomum’ shitting her litter of slutlets. The demented mind of a child abuser who systematically whores out her children to an apalling yet oh so typically American/Hollywoodesque bunch of carrion eaters.

She stated ONE year after her media blits that she was retiring from the media and was apalled that she was selling her children and wouldn’t be seeking anymore publicity and free crap. Every six to twelve months since then she’s done it again, and when called out on it she cries poverty. Bitch should have done her math and realised that $40 a month isn’t that bad!

She’s done it again, however. Oh ye of the loose snatch has whored herself into the media spotlight again. Not by consuming several adults by her cavernous coot, but by getting into a brawl on a plane with 3rd Rock from the Sun star Kristen Johnston.

The actress got so fed up with the noisy brood, she asked the ‘Octomum’ to keep the noise down. The mum of 14 did not take kindly to this remark, yelling back: “How would you like me to keep eight two-year-olds quiet?” To which the actress allegedly responded: “Get more help!”

Nadya’s spokesperson told TMZ that she shouted back: “Why don’t you grow a baby and get a life.” The family reportedly took up almost all of the business section of the flight, which was delayed for two hours before taking off.

This woman should have her children taken off her and be committed, and steralised.

AT some point, somebody involved with the romantic comedy Love’s Kitchen must have thought that it was a recipe for success, but box office figures out yesterday told a very different story.

The UK film, starring Dougray Scott (who previously appeared in Desperate Housewives as Teri Hatcher’s love interest), Four Weddings and a Funeral actor Simon Callow and Gordon Ramsay (as himself), had indeed achieved one of the most remarkable opening weekends in cinema history, though not quite in the sense that the producers were hoping for.

Love’s Kitchen grossed precisely £121 ($181) nationwide, The (London) Times reported.

The entire UK takings would cover the cost for one person of the cheapest available dinner with two small glasses of house wine, coffee and chocolates at Restaurant Gordon Ramsay, the Michelin-starred chef’s eatery in Royal Hospital Road, West London.

The record UK box office taking for an opening weekend belongs to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1, which grossed £18.32 million $27.4 million) last November.

Love’s Kitchen, by contrast, appears to have been seen by more reviewers than paying punters. You would hope that they enjoyed writer and director James Hacking’s debut film more than the critics.

Wendy Ide, of the Times, awarded it no stars, describing it as “cack-handed, cloth-eared” and featuring “exchanges so painful to watch that you would be better off rubbing Scotch bonnet peppers in your eyes.”

Charles Gant, a box office analyst, said that the film’s opening weekend was “one of the worst performances ever” in the UK. “My guess would be 20 people saw this film,” he said.

Just seven fans showed up at the city’s airport to greet Bieber, the Sunday Morning Post reported, calling it an “embarrassingly low-key reception”.

In addition to the tiny turn-out, footage of his arrival posted on YouTube – where the star made his name – had only been viewed 135,000 times by Sunday, four days after he jetted in to the muted reception.

The paper said there were “three times” more bodyguards than female fans at the airport, with the 17-year-old pop star “looking grumpy and walking straight past the small group of fans as they yelled out his name”.

Read more: http://www.news.com.au/story-fn7mjoe2-1226056440733#ixzz1MSdDwnYX

The cause of four-year-old Knut’s death was not immediately known, said Heiner Kloes, who is in charge of bears at Berlin zoo.

Knut collapsed and was found dead in a pool of water.

He was the first bear to be born in captivity in the zoo for 30 years and the first public appearance of “Cute Knut” in March 2007 attracted 100 camera crews from around the world.

He generated millions of euros for the Berlin Zoo in lucrative merchandising and extra entrance fees.

Knut weighed 9kg at birth and triggered a wave of media coverage after a batshit insane alleged animal activist said he should have been put down after he and his brother, who later died, were rejected by their mother following their birth in December 2006.

Knut was reared by the zoo, with his keeper Thomas Doerflein bottle-feeding him and strumming Elvis Presley songs for him on his guitar.

Mr Doerflein died of a heart attack in 2008.

Later in Knut’s life, he shared his zoo enclosure with his mother, Tosca, and two other females, Nancy and Katjuscha, he was a polar bear pimp.

Hopes that Knut might form a romantic attachment with one of the females were dashed as stories emerged of violent maulings.

One video posted online showed Katjuscha hurling herself at Knut’s throat, in an apparent attempt to bite him, before tipping him into the water.

Theorise have arisen that he was murdered by the other polar bears for being too cute.

The announcement of her death was made by the facility’s manager Pat Wright, who had been keeping Bean’s followers updated after she was taken ill with jaundice. “Ivy passed away peacefully at 12.08 this morning,” she tweeted on Ivy’s behalf “I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you but it was a very difficult thing to do.”

Hundreds of tributes poured in for Ivy on Twitter and Facebook, where a page entitled RIP Ivy Bean was set up. Fans called her an “amazing woman” who was an “inspiration” and commended her “humor, spirit and love of adventure.” Bean tried to tweet at least once a day, and her Friday “fish and chip” tweets became legendary among her followers.

The reluctant new ‘oldest user’ title goes to @MaudeWindsor at 103, (Follow) who tweeted today giving her respects to Ivy and family, and adding that using Ivy as inspiration she’ll make an effort to update daily. Maude’s nephew introduced her to Twitter but she never realised that her age made her unique amongst social networkers until today.

“I always enjoy fish and chips they are my favourite hope you all have a good day its dinner time soon,” read one of her tweets. She also recently tweeted a picture of her new great-granddaughter. Mrs Bean also posted the video of her meeting Peter Andre, which featured on his ITV2 reality show. She was cited as being his oldest fan. At the time, she tweeted, “I have been to meet my friend peter it has made me feel a lot better now and looking forward to my tweets.”

Kudos to lasting so long, and being savvy enough to Tweet. <3

The young singer cussed out a floor manager when the guy put a hand on his shoulder to lean in and tell him where to go he flipped his shit, turned abusive and screamed, “Don’t you ever fucking touch me again.” David Koch, co-host of the Sunrise show, said, “We had him on and he was a thoroughly nice bloke, really decent guy. Our floor manager was directing him to where he was about to perform and he turned around to Nick and said ‘don’t ever fucking touch me again’ and Nick went ‘What?’. And then his sound guy, his audio guy said ‘don’t take offense mate he tells us that all the time’. So I was a little disappointed in that. I thought maybe someone needs to drag you aside and give you a bit of a slap.”

Justin has already taken to his Twitter account to deny the accusations claiming that Kochie ‘made it up’, expressing that he can’t understand why ‘adults’ would ‘tell lies’ and going on an attention whoring tirade in an attempt to save face, albeit it was probably his public relation firm in crisis control who were updating all his feeds, but none the less it was amusing that he’d put his word versus David Koch. What’s more likely, a middle aged father, a earnest and extremely trustworthy man versus a teenage primadonna who’s entire image relies on trying to sell himself as innocence and purity in a handbasket.

He tweeted, “Family time with my mom couldn’t come at a better time….I was raised to respect others and not gossip…nor answer gossip with anger. I know my friends family and fans know the person I am. Hearing adults spread lies and rumors is part of the job I guess.”

I’m not a betting man, but I’d put my money on David Koch any day of the week, guess Bustin’ Jeiber doesn’t want to get caught in a lie. He was definitely right though, someone needs to take that kid aside and give him a slap.