I don’t know if you’ve heard, but it’s made the news almost globally, that women of a certain town in Italy have b& their boys from visiting a specific cafe. The barista, Laura Maggi. works in a little cafe in Bagnolo Mella, near Brescia, and decided to spruce up business by wearing slutty outfits.

From PVC (ew, thrush factory!) to lacey underwear and even down to tassle-tittied pasties, she has a keen business acumen of how stupid desperate men will do anything for a bit of T&A. But aside from her slutty photos (which can be found all over the internets) the translation of her website had me in tears.

First and foremost, here are some links to her more provocative photos. (NSFW obviously)

http://www.google.com.au/search?q=Laura+Maggi&hl=en&safe=off&prmd=imvnsuo&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=1y9IT_uVOpCuiQeyw8SADg&ved=0CEIQsAQ&biw=1680&bih=949

And more raunchy ones at:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2105339/Sexpresso-Wives-ban-husbands-visiting-Italian-cafe-busty-barmaid-serves-drinks-skimpy-outfits.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

But seriously, this part had me cacking myself. I love bad translations, it really is brilliant how batshit insane things can seem if translated, or worse, translate something from English to, say, Chinese and then back again. Go on, do it, I dare you. Either way you’ll probably get something more coherent than this (translated by Google Chrome on the fly):

PHOTOS – And Laura knows to be fair. Even more. Post all your photos on Facebook, before I hang them in his restaurant. And business is booming more than they say they are even tripled in the last year. Business is business? Do not you agree the mayoress of Bagnolo Mella. Indeed, ironically: “Here the high-waisted trousers no longer know what they are,” accuses the Mayoress Christine Almici. “Now the country is only known from the sexy bar. Here the towns furious, have even turned to the police. ” Really? “Sure. Ms. Maggi has been summoned to headquarters. It warned verbally. ” Someone has even given permission to work until late at night. “Permission has it, but I knew that would serve cocktails dressed like that? Give me time, I’m thinking of a measure. Here the public has gone to hell. “

1. Do You Know Claire Swire?
When Claire Swire sent a naughty note to her solicitor boyfriend Bradley Chait remembering a recent romp, he proudly shared the email with some friends, who shared it with their friends under the subject line “Do You Know Claire Swire?”. Millions ended up reading the gory details.

2. Ham Strung
An exchange between legal secretaries over a missing ham sandwich leads to both women getting the sack.

3. A Very Bad Day
When the World Trade Centre fell on September 11, 2001, US Transport Secretary Stephen Byers’ special adviser Jo Moore emailed colleagues saying it was a good day to bury bad news. She had to apologise after the email became public.

4. Hot List
Three male employees of PricewaterhouseCoopers in Ireland were suspended for circulating an email which rated thirteen new females employees on their looks.

5. Human Relations
When personnel officer John Crook recommended one of his colleagues for a pay rise and was asked by his manager why he felt his colleague deserved it he gave his reasons and jokingly added: “She was a grrrrrrrrreat shag as well!” He lost both his job and a claim for unfair dismissal.

6. Chat-up Cheese
Joseph Dobbie met a woman at a party, later acquired her email address and sent her a message describing her smile as “the freshest of my special memories”. He went on to say he was sure she would “be able to see sincerity where others would see cliche”. Instead, she forwarded the message to her sister and millions ended up reading it. The sender had included his phone number and was bombarded with mocking calls.

7. Web Browser
Former British Treasury press officer Robbie Browse sent an email to friends making fun of Chinese people’s eyes. But he accidentally copied it to his press list, containing 83 leading national newspaper journalists. One them immediately replied asking: “Will we all be invited to your leaving party?” Browse faced disciplinary action.

8. Insult the Aged
When principal Patrick Hazlewood and his school’s treasurer Barry Worth jointly received an emailed complaint from local pensioner Mary Kelly about some misbehaviour by their pupils, Mr Hazelwood responded: “Tell her to get stuffed”, thinking his response was only going to his colleague. But he hit ‘Reply All’ so his message also went to Mrs Kelly.

9. Penta-gone
Devon schoolgirl Claire McDonald found herself receiving emails containing top secret information from the Pentagon after being accidentally added to a round robin list by a navy commander. One of them was offering advice to the UK on how to prevent secrets from being leaked.

10. Email Boob
A Ray White property consultant sent an email with the subject “Show me your tits” to a columnist at the Courier-Mail. His explanation was that he his office had changed their email program and he was sending a test message to his partner, the contents of which are a long-standing joke between the couple.

Below are the moments of most interest to Australian classifications censor dicks, spoiler alert btw. If you want to read the full review, you can find the report here (PDF).

Themes

An example of crude humour includes playable elements which enable Duke to “piss” and “throw” faeces.

In various bathroom locations throughout the game, the player can have Duke “piss” in urinals and on occasion, in these same venues can also pick up faecal matter from a toilet bowl and throw it about.

Dialogue contains various crude reference to “pissing” and when throwing faecal matter Duke is heard to utter “what sick motherf—er picks up wet faeces” and “what am I? A monkey?”

The Board also notes the player ability, in a final climactic scene when Duke kills the alien general, to implicitly urinate into the defeated creature’s eye socket.

Violence

The game contains violence that is strong in impact and justified by context. Constant battle with robot-like alien creatures is present throughout the game and is therefore strong in viewing impact.

Battles incorporate the use of futuristic weapons such as a Freeze Ray, Shrink Ray, other super-sized guns, grenade launchers and hand-to-hand combat.

In one of the game levels, Duke enters an alien lair to “rescue” kidnapped Earth women who have been implicitly impregnated by the alien enemy.

These women are rendered with a mannequin-like appearance, and appear torso nude and partially cocooned either suspected from a cave-like roof or against walls.

In order to “spare” the women’s suffering Duke has the ability to shoot the women resulting in small blood bursts. Those he does not shoot are seen implicitly exploding as the alien “baby” matures.

Sex

The game contains implied sexual activity that is strong in impact.

In the level Duke Lives, the player sees a first person perspective of Duke’s lounge room, as he implicitly sits on a couch, playing a computer game on a big screen TV.

Off-screen, sexual noises are heard and the shot widens to reveal two women rising up from a kneeling position just below Duke’s waist line. Fellatio is implied as the women wipe their mouths and giggle.

In the level Titty City, Duke enters a strip club where he meets a stripper who invites him to locate (among other items) a vibrator and a condom.

In the men’s toilet, Duke can enter a toilet cubicle with what appears to be a “glory hole” in the cubicle wall. A cartoon image of a woman’s face is on the wall with a hole evident in the drawing’s mouth and the word “Yum” beside it.

Upon the successful completion of this level, Duke is given a “special” lap-dance by the stripper. The breast nude female is depicted in a first person perspective implicitly gyrating on Duke’s lap.

The Board notes a facility also exists for the player to “jiggle” the stripper’s breasts during this scene.