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News for the ‘journalism’ Category

Nico Botha of Moola Bulla Station’s Threat to Kill 200 Cattle a Day in Live Export Debarcle, and My Confrontation of his Flawed Logic (Because I’m Awesome) AND HOW YOU CAN HELP STOP THE CULL.

It hit the news earlier today that a moron by the name of Nico Botha was having a whinge that he can’t afford to feed his cattle. For my international readers, basically kosher / halal slaughter over here has had a rocky road with frequent ‘surprise’ finds that it’s cruel and sadistic and in no way a humane way to slaughter animals.

Whilst captive bolt method has degraded since the above lobby groups have pushed that it be a legal requirement it does not cause brain death instantly (claiming that spreads BSE, allegedly), but rather knocks the animal out and doesn’t pierce the cranium this method is still far less horrific than the video footage Australia got to see a while back.

Back in 1998 a halal slaughter house in Melbourne was shut down after video footage was leaked out, but more recently the footage exposed to the Australian public was from Indonesia and the level of depravity depicted was on par with what I’ve seen conducted WITHIN Australia as far as halal and kosher slaughter goes but it was the first time Australian’s had seen the meat industry in all it’s glory.

Don’t get me wrong, no preconceptions required here, I’m not a tree hugger, a hippie, or a vegetarian. I see the economical and ecological viability and requirements around me and adopt them as ethical business practice however. Therein lay my frustrations with Nico Botha and his ilk. The type of person who through negligence of their own part then plays off to the media as an ‘Aussie battler’ out to make a fair crust when in reality their own stupidity looks to be their downfall, yet ultimately they file a claim and underwriters fix it all whilst they get to trap off at the press and be used as a political lynch pin or bargaining chip.

As reported today on News.com.au:

Nico Botha owns Moola Bulla station in Western Australia and he told heraldsun.com.au he will start to cull cattle tomorrow because he can’t keep feeding them.

“Rather than let them starve to death over two or three months, I’m going to shoot them quickly,” Mr Botha said.

“My property is over-grazed and I have got too many cattle, I have to look forward to the next year or two.”

Mr Botha slammed Agriculture Minister Joe Ludwig for failing to work through the problems properly and for leaving cattle stranded.

“It’s going to be far worse, now animals are going to die in their thousands in paddocks and nobody cares about that.”

A ban on live exports to Indonesia was put in place after horrific images of cows being tortured and harassed before slaughter were broadcast on the ABC.
These farmers were all given hefty compensation packages, which I cannot FATHOM as in any way warranted given that they’re all multi-millionairs in a multi-billion dollar industry where not a single cattle farmer I’ve met, having grown up in a rather rural environment and spending time on an extreme-rural family property as a teen, has ever been poor. They run large plantations, with a mass of staff, and have enough margin to weather the 8 year drought we just sustained.
Given the drought has broken and business is booming for the agri-tech section of our economy again they without doubt have enough sense to manage their businesses in a manner to ensure they won’t be floored simply by not being allowed to send off a bunch of cattle to be slaughtered by religious zealots for crazies back home to consume knowing the animal was sacrificed to their diametrically opposed yet theoretically identical sky fairies.
I mean, c’mon, only a half wit would plan his business profit margins and overheads so tight they rely purely on one minority contract, right? Wrong. Nico Botha, one such half wit, proved that common sense isn’t all that common. Either that or he’s pushing an agenda, and using guilt and threats of ‘horrible wasted deaths’ in paddocks ‘starving to death’ unless he ‘just shoots them’ of a number that scarily is precisely 200 per day until the embargo is lifted. I’d probably put my money on him being a conniving agenda pusher more than a half wit.
I decided that, given my tolerance for idiocy is always at an all time low, I ought to call this bloke up and question his logic. So, to google I went, ‘contact details Moola Bulla Station, Western Australia’ I entered. Out came not one, but two numbers for his office enquiries centre of his property, (08) 9168 8910 and (08) 9168 8911 along with fax and email facilities, far more high tech than my families rural property.
The following is the conversation I held with him, verbatim. Whilst it’s not as sensationalistic as many of you would probably hope, I figured I should give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he is a half wit and be nice and give him some honest advice on how to float his business just to watch him dismiss it and prove to me that he’s merely on the take and wanting to use guilt to achieve a goal, being more hand outs and the embargo being lifted regardless of the ethics or morals involved.

“Moola Bulla,”
“Hello, may I speak to Nico Botha please?”
“Speaking,”
“Hello Nico, I saw your recent issues in the news, I hear you’re in rough times financially?”
“Yep,” said almost hopeful, as though I’m some carrion media mogul about to throw him money.
“I just wanted to congratulate you first on purchasing Australia’s largest cattle farm back in ’07, for $25 million you got it at a steal, especially given it coincided with the drought breaking, business must be boomi.. oh wait, no. It’s not, that’s right.”
“What?”
“Well, you see, I can’t help but question your logic and paralel it to say, slave masters in the Southern States of the US demanding that the average tax payer refund them for slaves they had to let go, when they knew full well that they were dealing in an industry that was unethical in numerous ways and had been abolished in most other nations, surely they saw this coming as much as meat industry farmers.”
“What?”
“Okay, I’ll try something easier. Did Nike complain and demand money from Governments when they suddenly were astounded to find out the sweatshop labor they employed used forced child labor? If you can’t afford to stay in business because of one contract that has a history of being up in the air ethically, as well as being banned outright in many European nations, surely dropping your cattle in paddocks or starving them to death is kind of cutting off your nose to spite your face isn’t it mate?”
“What am I meant to do? They put me out of business, I can’t feed my cattle.”
“Well for starters you could just slaughter them humanely and sell them on the Australian market like all other meat producers have been doing since colonization, but I find it far fetched you demand money from REAL Aussie battlers whilst pleading poverty. I don’t think Nike had the audacity to try that one.”
“But what am I meant to do?”
“I just told you mate, sell locally. You got caught out, you made a dangerous investment, you lost, thems the breaks. Get a loan, talk to a business advisor and financial planner and make your business profitable ethically, you’ll sleep better at night.”
*Nico, shamed by this logic, terminates the call; because putting a hand out and demanding is easier than working for a dollar.

Nico doesn’t want you to know his multi-million dollar property is one of the largest in the nation, is adjacent to a high class golf course, Halls Creek Airport, and a thoroughbred race course. He didn’t want to have a bar of logic, because it’s far easier to use empty threats to scare them city folks into line with horrible acts committed to animals. The brutal reality is, the animals are bred to be slaughtered, they’re going to die, the only thing controlled is the manner in which they die so let him have at it with a rifle and then watch him file false insurance claims for business loss (which he happens to have with GE, something the media in their lack of research missed (it’s amazing what you can find through google, and how many country folk talk big on forums)) and get the big money he wants rather than support the economy of the ‘Aussie battler’ he’s trying to steal the image of for the media to kowtow to.

Ironically, Moola Bulla station was also historically involved in the slaughter of aboriginies; I’m sure the occupants back then were hands out when they realised their gamble on exploiting the ‘black fellah’ hadn’t paid off also.

Whilst I have a feeling it’d be falling on deaf ears, here’s the blokes details should you wish to reach him:

(08) 9168 8910
(08) 9168 8911

Although if you want to make a difference, I suggest writing to (but be sure to ring them first and foremost and demand that a stop be put to Nico’s threat of a cull):

Senator Joseph Ludwig
Minister for Agriculture, Fisheries and Forestry
Australian Labor Party

Parliament Contact:
Phone:     (02) 6277 7520
Fax:     (02) 6273 4120

Waterfront Place,
1 Eagle Street
Brisbane Qld 4000

GPO Box 2477
Brisbane Qld 4001

Phone:     (07) 3229 4477
Fax:     (07) 3229 4140
Toll Free:     1300 301 944

I would recommend in doing so you strongly suggest perhaps the Senator see to it that Nico is held liable for negligent managing of a business involving livestock, negligent management of property, and cruelty to animals through the afforementioned negligence. Nico volunteered that his property is ‘over-grazed’ (given it’s size this is highly unlikely and if true is a clear sign of property mismanagement bordering on ecological disaster on a small scale), and that he has ‘too many cattle’, again a clear proof that he was wilful in his negligence for the purchase, breeding or obtainment of so many head of cattle.

The RSCPA can be contacted on:

(08) 9209 9300 or
1300 CRUELTY
(1300 278 3589)

For legal reasons the RSPCA cannot accept anonymous complaints, however details will be kept confidential.
Provide them with a link to this article.

One can only hope should indigenous rights ever be respected that the indigenous peoples of that area take him to the Lands and Environment court for ameliorative waste as another avenue to stop this obvious half-wit from using what’s left of his brain to cause even more ecological harm, not to mention ethical and moralistic furor.

Posted: July 5th, 2011
Categories: critical thought, epiclullz, journalism, politix, rant, scams
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Abdul Tiba of Guildford St, Coolaroo & Kassab Krazies, Want Airfare Back to Lebanon? I’ll help!

Abdul Tiba, a crazy man with a crazy beard, talked tough today to the media. He’s a refugee from Lebanon, and while most of my readers know I’m a softy for the fugees as we’re all immigrants for the most part, this guy’s so fucked up I’ll pay for his airfare to get the fuck out of our country and stay out and take his crazy warmongering with him.

While playing the victim card, he identifies himself as the ‘head of’ a family involved in a so far bloodless fued that has caused several shootings and one bombing over the past week.

On Fairfax Radio, and cross posted on News.com.au he went on to state “No one helps me in this country, no police, not any community, no St Vincents (de Paul), no one … I tell them I want to protect my family. No one cares about this. They want to give me all the responsibility for this and I don’t know nothing. I give them my statement but still no one cares in this country.”

Heaven forbid if a man has responsibility. Especially over caring for his family. Especially while waging war on another family. I’m sure he’ll play ignorant, but I’m pretty sure families just don’t outright try and kill each other for no reason; even more so in a nation where gun laws are so pedantic even our Olympic shooters are fleeding to other nations, losing us dozens of gold medals because of it.

Of course he won’t stand up, take responsibility, and disarm his kin who’re running around in revenge attacks either. That’s too much responsibility for him to handle.

In other gems he went on air with, “I’ve been sleeping in the car. They give me two days in a motel like a fucking gypsy,” nothing like a bit of racial vilification to add to his charm.

And in the best nonsensical passage of drivel I’ve read or even heard: “I’ve had enough of this stress. Australia country they bring on 2006 from Lebanon all the citizenship, they spend 20 million thousand dollars but no one can spend $1000 to save my family. I tell them I want to go back, I don’t want to stay in this shit country like that.”

The fued is between the Kassab family and the Tiba family, and of course Mr Bigbeard-littleresponsibility has no clue why it’s happening or why his house in Guildford Street, Coolaroo is being targeted.

“If I know I tell the police. I don’t know,” Mr Tiba said on Monday to Fairfax journalists. Police have said they have spoken to the families but have received no co-operation, so it seems they’re adamant to duke it out and put innocent lives at stake for some petty blood fued, yesterday at 3pm in Glenroy, on a busy street, they did just that by carrying out a drive by shooting.

For my international readers, I have to stress, this just doesn’t happen here, and it’s only a minority of a minority who carry out such foolish acts.

News.com.au stated that a house in nearby Jacana was shot at last Thursday and again on Monday morning, followed by a car chase that ended in more shots being fired at a playground. They also stated that Mr Tiba’s house has been shot at twice, had a home-made bomb thrown through the window and been rammed by a truck and so far no one has been injured in the incidents.

So, without further ado, I wish to offer to buy the lot of them tickets back to Lebanon, where a lot of refugees originated during their civil war and other violence in the Middle East, most of which are thankful to be here while a minority brought the attitudes of warmongering hate fuelled stupidity across with them (kind of makes you wonder if we accidentally let in people who started the grief over there and not the victims of it per se!).

Again, to international readers, I just wish to stress that shit like this doesn’t happen here, this is a first for our country. And by no means tar all refugees by the same brush, as these two families are a special kind of fuckwit. The kind that clearly comes from thousands of years of incestuous inbreeding, drinking sea water, and eating strange mushrooms down the end of the yard, mixed with liberal dashings of head droppings as children.

Read more: http://www.news.com.au/national/abdul-tiba-head-of-feud-family-says-australia-is-a-s-countryand-police-cant-protect-him/story-e6frfkx0-1226084204186#ixzz1Qdnh847M
Posted: June 29th, 2011
Categories: critical thought, epiclullz, journalism, op ed, politix, rant
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Dissident ‘Shadow’ Internet and Cell Phone Networks

THE US Government is reportedly financing the development of “shadow” internet systems to enable dissidents abroad to get around government censors.

The New York Times said today the covert effort also includes attempts to create independent cellphone networks inside foreign countries.

The operation involves a fifth-floor shop on L Street in Washington, where a group of young entrepreneurs are fitting deceptively innocent-looking hardware into a prototype “internet in a suitcase”, the report said.

Financed with a $US2 million ($1.9 million) State Department grant, the suitcase could be secreted across a border and quickly set up to allow wireless communications over a wide area with a link to the global internet.

The Times said some projects involve technology being developed in the US while others pull together tools that have already been created by hackers from the so-called liberation technology movement.

The State Department is financing the creation of stealth wireless networks that would enable activists to communicate outside the reach of governments in countries like Iran, Syria and Libya.

The US Government has also spent at least $US50 million ($47.2 million) to create an independent mobile phone network in Afghanistan using towers on protected military bases inside the country, according to the newspaper.

It is intended to offset the Taliban’s ability to shut down the official Afghan services, the report said.

Posted: June 14th, 2011
Categories: gadget, hack, journalism, oddities, politix, pop culture, technology
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Australian Blimp Pilot’s Courageous Yet Tragic Sacrifice

As a pilot, I’ve flown everything that flies and some things that shouldn’t. I was touched to hear of the forage and selflessness of an Australian who died saving his passengers and feel the need to share the following article with you, my loyal readers, as a small gesture to an honorable man.

Michael Nerandzic, from Balgownie in Wollongong, was attempting to land the A60 Goodyear airship at an airfield at Reichelsheim in Germany, when the blimp caught fire during descent. The 53-year-old and three journalists with him were returning from a local music festival.

It is understood the passengers smelt fuel and heard a loud whirring noise before the blimp caught fire.

Realising the airship was only moments away from disaster, Mr Nerandzic then made the heroic decision to put his own life on the line to save those of his passengers.

Hovering 2m above the ground he yelled for the three passengers to jump from the gondola to safety below.

That decision reduced the ballast weight of the airship which is believed to have caused it to shoot 50m into the air where it exploded with the burning wreckage falling to the ground. Mr Nerandzic was unable to escape and died in the wreckage.

Witnesses said they heard loud noises coming from the air before spotting a “fireball” moments before it crashed into a meadow near the airfield.

“We could hear the cries of the pilot as the fire surrounded him. It was terrible,” one said.

A close friend and former colleague said Mr Nerandzic was a talented pilot with a deep passion for flying.

He said his decision to save his passengers first summed up the type of person he was.

“He has always put other people first. I don’t even think he would have realised he was doing it – it would have just been instinct,” the friend, who declined to be named, said last night. “He will be a real loss to our community.”

The cause of the fire remained a mystery last night but Germany’s Federal Office for Accident Investigation was investigating.

For more on the heroic Australian blimp pilot who saved three passengers only to then die himself go to The Daily Telegraph.

Posted: June 14th, 2011
Categories: journalism, news
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IMPORTANT: Live Export Animal Ban, How To Fight Religious Zealotry (Read it, forealz)

It’s rare I post about political, religious, or other matters considered taboo. I like to keep things light and fluffy. But this is an issue that I’ve had first hand experience with back in the late 90′s when WSPA and PETA slipped a guy with a covert camera rig into a kosher slaughter house in Melbourne which ended up getting shut down when the footage was shown to the public.

Recently another instance of this has occured, where the ABC showed footage taken covertly in helal slaughter houses across Indonesia. Over 200,000 Australians have responded in a backlash against these disgusting acts.

You get a lot of propaganda by religious mobs on this issue as they see it as encroaching on their freedoms as opposed to pointing out that in the last six thousand years human understanding of animals biology has grown significantly, as has .. well, everything but religion, and that it is a social imperative that we enforce social normatives on those who would ever inflict barbaric acts on humans or animals alike.

You’ve got two lobbies who are obssessed that animals are chattals of man put there for exploitation and that they have no feelings nor souls and do not count as living entities, it’s hard to argue logic with them, but it’s easier to argue logic with politicians. Scary thought, isn’t it.

Thus, I ask every one of you to go here and sign this petition: http://www.getup.org.au/campaigns/animals/live-export/ban-live-export

If you want to go the extra mile email Nick Xenophon urging your support of his push to outlaw kosher and helal slaughter not just outside of Australia facilitated by live export, but within Australia too.

There are far too many slaughter houses using barbaric practices, and even more so they’re using outdated research and propaganda including bullshit fear mongering regarding BSE / mad cow disease to try and outlaw captive bolt guns which are currently not allowed to pierce the animals brain (causing instant death) but rather just knock the animal unconcious after a few agonizing attempts.

This lobby MUST be stopped, we can’t turn a blind eye to cruelty. I don’t give a fuck what a persons magical sky fairy demands, cruelty to animals is not on, and is NOT something that any Australian or in fact any one from ANY nation should ever tolerate on their watch.

Posted: June 8th, 2011
Categories: consumer reviews, critical thought, journalism, politix, pop culture, rant
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Journalists & Fame Whores; Why Social Media Trumps Them

It amuses me when journalists try and pimp their Twitter accounts, and on review, I find they have 1/10th my following.

In Australia, on every TV channel from daytime talk shows like Sunrise through to tabloid journalism from the Daily Terrorgraph newspaper through to ACA/TT, you find journalists pushing their social media portfolio to the masses through materials that have HUGE demographic reach

Theoretically they’re using social proof to try and hyper inflate their online presense, yet just can’t get the kind of captive audience bloggers like myself get purely through ACTUAL integrity and not being boring barrels of dicks like most media ‘icons’ are.

I just wanted to take a moment to thumb my nose at attention hungry fame whores. Nothing more to see here folks, move along. 😛

Posted: June 6th, 2011
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Chinese Prisoners Forced to Goldfarm in MMO’s

Imprisoned for “illegally petitioning” the government over corruption in his town, the former Chinese inmate known as “Liu Dali” has told the U.K. Guardian that in addition to back-breaking manual labor he and other prisoners were forced to play video games for hours on end. Not as a form of punishment or leisure activity, but because their overseers had assembled a massive “goldfarming” operation, wherein they exploited prison labor to earn money playing online games. From the Guardian:

“Prison bosses made more money forcing inmates to play games than they do forcing people to do manual labour,” Liu told the Guardian. “There were 300 prisoners forced to play games. We worked 12-hour shifts in the camp. I heard them say they could earn 5,000-6,000rmb [£470-570] a day. We didn’t see any of the money. The computers were never turned off.”

While the idea of prisoners being forced to play video games may seem chuckleworthy, and it certainly is absurd, it is no laughing matter. Again, from the Guardian:

“If I couldn’t complete my work quota, they would punish me physically. They would make me stand with my hands raised in the air and after I returned to my dormitory they would beat me with plastic pipes. We kept playing until we could barely see things,” he said.

Goldfarming is now extremely widespread in China, where the Guardian reports nearly $2 billion in online currency was traded accounting for 80% of the world’s goldfarming. While for some of the world’s poor population, goldfarming could mean a better life, the use of prison labor is bizarre and more than a little troublesome. It also complicates international trade, since some countries refuse to accept exported goods made in prisons.

Liu speculates that many other prisoners are likely still forced into goldfarming operations, and assumes that the practice must be widespread. His belief is backed by University of California researcher Jin Ge, who describes China as “the factory of virtual goods.” One wonders how comfortable gamers would be if they knew that the items and credits purhcased for a game came at the cost of forced labor.

Update: The Telegraph reports that Chinese officials have denied the story, saying that gold farming would allow prisoners to communicate with the outside world, which they would never allow:

[A]n official at the central office for labour camps in Heilongjiang denied that inmates were forced to play games online. “I have never heard of this. If you want to see for yourself, come to one of our labour camps,” he said.

The official, who declined to give his name, said: “We do not allow our inmates to do high-risk occupations, such as coal-mining. We do not have large numbers of computers. And we do not allow our prisoners to have any contact with the outside world. If they were playing these online games they could easily communicate with other people. We would never allow that.”

(U.K. Guardian)

Real Life Functional AT-AT Walker

AUSTRALIA’S status as the world capital of Big Things is under attack.

In February, the citizens of Detroit successfully lobbied for a giant statue of RoboCop to keep its crims in line.

In the same week, news broke that a three-metre tall Arnold Schwarzenegger statue will stand guard outside the Governator’s former home in Thal, Austria.

Both of which kick Robertson’s giant poo-tato and Ballina’s prawn to the kerb when it comes to cool icons for your country.

And now you can add — possibly, unless George Lucas hears of it — a lifesize, fully-functioning replica of a Galactic Empire AT-AT walker to the countryside somewhere in Oklahoma, if Mike Koehler gets his way.

Note fully-functioning — not like that static tat at Disneyland’s Hollywood theme park.

The 16m tall (some nerds experts put them at 23m) All Terrain Armoured Transports featured most famously in the attack on the Rebel forces’ secret base on Hoth in Empire Strikes Back, where one tripped over a bit of rope and exploded.

Another one makes a cameo in Return of the Jedi after a smaller version — an AT-ST — gets smashed by monkeys with logs.

But they look fearsome enough and Mr Koehler has been given the green light by online fundraiser Kickstarter to begin collecting cash to realise his dream.

It’s called AT-AT for America and Mr Koehler’s welcoming any offers of help or donations.

We chatted to him about why his country needs it…

Why did you choose a symbol of the Empire’s destructive capabilities to represent the US?

The AT-AT is not so much a representation of the US as it is a monument to what geek culture and its know-how has done for people in the country and, as I am quickly learning, folks all over the world. The can-do and cooperative spirit that nerdy pop culture has inspired can’t be overlooked in the past 30, 40, 50 years.

I wanted to make something that was: A) Doable. Fast-than-light and force field technology made many options unrealistic. B) Big enough to be awe-inspiring. Many people have made R2 units and Back to the Future Deloreans. The AT-AT is 50-feet tall.

If it proves too difficult, do you have any smaller scale Star Wars projects in mind?

I guess we could do one of the smaller scout walkers, but that seems like copping out.

If it proves easy, would you consider building a Death Star?

The Death Star would involve too much red tape I’m afraid, unless I could get Richard Branson on board.

The original AT-ATs had some notable design flaws. How will you Ewok-proof it?

No Ewoks will be allowed around the build sites. Sharpened logs will also be strictly prohibited. We are working towards some strong anti-log technology.

Have you had any interest from Mythbusters et al?

No word yet from the Mythbusters, though I hope as we continue to build momentum that we will get a lot of help from some of our geek heroes. When I first thought of this, my ideal project managers were Adam and Jamie.

If Detroit can get a RoboCop statue, maybe you should pitch your AT-AT for a permanent public space…

Once we’re done, I would like for the AT-AT to find some place nice to be housed and admired as a monument. Since it will be fully operational, people will be able to ride it. It would be an art piece on par with the Statue of Liberty, but with the ability to mosey around the block.

Have you had any cease and desist orders from George Lucas yet?

We have not heard from Lucasfilm yet, though there is that expectation. All I can say is that we won’t be making any money off this project, we consider it a public work of art and we would gladly locate it where ever Mr Lucas would like us to. This is a testament to how many dreams his work and other work like his has inspired in people my age and younger.

Will you live in it once it’s finished?

No, I won’t live in it.

Can I?

You can’t live inside it, though you are welcome to string a hammock between its knees.

Is there ever a chance that such a monolithic, relentless corporate machine could ever be seen in Australia?

Given enough support and volunteers, the AT-AT, like Oprah, would be happy to visit Australia.

 

Related Coverage

Scientists find asteroid with potential power of 15 atomic bombs. Heading this way. Tonight.

Asteroid 2011 GP59 was spotted hurtling towards us from a distance of less than ten lunar distances just the other night, blinking like a strobe through the night sky, indicating it is cigar shaped and is estimated to be anywhere up to 50m long and dense enough to have the impact of ’15 atomic bombs’ should it make contact. It won’t, so don’t go digging a hole in the ground just yet.

“Usually, when we see an asteroid strobe on and off like that, it means that the body is elongated and we are viewing it broadside along its long axis first, and then on its narrow end as it rotates,” said Don Yeomans, manager of NASA’s Near-Earth Object Program Office at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, California. “GP59 is approximately 50m long, and we think its period of rotation is about seven-and-a-half minutes.

Keep in mind it’s 10 lunar distances – or moon is 384,400km away – but tomorrow morning, about 5am, things get a little crazy. For start, Monday’s night’s discovery of GP 59 was just that – a discovery. It was picked up by astronomers at the Observatorio Astronomico de Mallorca in Andalusia, Spain, who’ve since determined that it’s heading towards us.

Tonight, it will miss pass just outside the moon’s orbit – again, comparatively speaking because this is space, folks – at a distance of 533,000km.

However, Mr Yeomans, whose office is responsible for a program called Spaceguard, which tracks and characterises asteroids and comets and is supposed to protect us from this sort of thing, says there’s no need to be concerned. “Although newly discovered, the near-term orbital location of asteroid 2011 GP59 can be accurately plotted,” he said. “There is no possibility of the small space rock entering Earth’s atmosphere during this pass or for the foreseeable future.”

Which is good news, because although 50m might sound smallish, it’s still five times bigger than an asteroid that exploded 15km above Indonesia in October, 2009. That blast released as much energy as three atomic bombs, according to New Scientist, who are supposed to know about such things. Take comfort in the fact that in 2009, no one saw that asteroid coming. At least we were given three days’ notice this time around!

Another upcoming near miss (or hit?) will be Apophis, a massively superior space object in every way; “Apophis will approach Earth at a distance of 37,000-38,000 kilometers on April 13, 2029,” Professor Leonid Sokolov of the St. Petersburg State University told Ria Novosti. “Its likely collision with Earth may occur on April 13, 2036.”

You might have noticed he used the word “may”. Again, space is big folks.

Asteroid 99942 Apophis was first discovered to be in the Earth’s impact zone back in 2004, and at roughly 300m wide, is estimated to be able to hit the Earth with the force equivalent to somewhere around two Krakatoas.

More sketchy science puts Australia well out of the path of possible destruction – Apophis could land anywhere in a streak that runs from the Middle East through the tip of South America to the west coast of Africa, according to a paper delivered to the 2007 Planetary Defense Conference.

Which is not to say we won’t feel its impact. A simulation tool devised by the University of Southampton in the UK shows that, depending on where it hits, it could cause up to 10 million deaths.

 

Other Related Coverage

 

Posted: April 15th, 2011
Categories: critical thought, epiclullz, gossip, journalism, news, oddities, pop culture, science, survival horror
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Lasers & Blindness, a @news_com_au Tabloid Myth

Recently we’ve seen enough articles regarding OHNOES LAZORS blinding pilots. When this first came up and the Australian Pilots Association’s president went on record agreeing with this tabloidal myth I decided to ring him and have a chat, from one pilot to another. I asked him straight, how many pilots have been ‘blinded’ by these lasers, he claimed reports of one pilot in Adelaide (a very small capital city in South Australia which gets as much flight traffic a month as Sydney would in a day) and ‘of four others’, when I pressed him for names, dates or locations he suddenly got amnesia of the details. I set him at ease and said I will happily wait and give him a week or two to email me through the details when he remembers.

No email came of course, in chasing him up further on the issue it sounded more like the pilot who was ‘blinded’ by the ‘laser attack’ all over the news was simply seeking compensation and ironically none of these ‘blindings’ lead to the pilots never flying again except in the case of the pilot above who was at retirement age and used it as an excuse to retire; however his insurers doctors found his vision was perfectly fine, at which point it was claimed post traumatic stress disorder occured from fear for his life whilst blinded.

To cut a long story short, to date there is no empirical evidence of a single pilot being afflicted with blindness or having anything more than a minor annoyance from a laser pointer being aimed at their plane, however the media, police, and government are all super serious business, and at present in Australia (you guys really think I’m kidding when I talk about the fun police, don’t you) laser pointers are listed as PROHIBITED WEAPONS. I shit you not.

This morning I saw another rubbish article from the same tabloid source which gave me the urge to cite this information on record, sadly whenever news.com.au publish their more controversial (see: tabloid, can I say it enough? :P) crap they never have a comments field open. Below is the header of the article in question which just highlights how idiotic the media are in handling this myth:-

THREE commercial passenger planes were targeted by a laser pointer in Sydney overnight.

Police say the three incidents happened within an hour and half of each other last night as the planes were approaching the airport in Mascot.

The pilot of the third flight was struck in the eye by the high-powered light.

Each of the planes landed safely.

Flight crews told police that the laser appeared to be coming from the Cronulla or Brighton areas.

High-powered laser pointers are prohibited weapons and can’t be possessed without a permit.

Posted: April 14th, 2011
Categories: critical thought, epiclullz, gadget, journalism, lifestyle, pop culture, rant, science, technology
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Australian National Broadband Network (ITT: Vaporware)

It’s bad enough in our bipartisan political clime that the other major party are basement dwelling troglodyte technophobes whilst the others are bleeding heart nutjob sycophants who come up with awesome promises then slowly shift away from them, but this NBN has become outright fucking vaporware.

The National Broadband Network is meant to bring Australia up to speed with the rest of the world. Our Trading Practices Act will shank you like a bitch in a jail house if you promise X and deliver an inferior Y but our ISP’s (Telstra, Optus, Iinet and the worst of the worst TPG (who still owe me a few fucking grand I might add)) sell us ‘ADSL 2+’ connections that run at 3 – 5 megabit (ADSL2+ is 24 megabit with a 4 megabit fall off to it’s operational perimeter of 7 kilometers) when you’re located a mere 3 kilometers from the DSLAMM.

That’s ADSL speeds being passed off as ADSL2+ and being charged at a premium rate too.

It’s even worse that the NBN won’t be out until 2030 at current estimates (IF the other party doesn’t get in and can it) but earlier this morning Patrick Flannigan has quit as NBN Co’s head of construction. An acting head of construction has been appointed, Dan Flemming, who was until now the company’s general manager of construction, design and planning.

“We are disappointed with his decision to resign as he was a valuable member of the leadership team,” a spokeswoman for NBN Co told the press, “We wish him all the best for the future.”

This comes after the Government business enterprise last week “indefinitely” suspended tendering for construction firms, saying the 14 quotes they were presented were inflated. According to the NBN Co website, Mr Flannigan was the founding managing director and chief executive of Service Stream, a major provider of infrastructure, construction and maintenance services to the telecommunications sector and broader utilities sectors.

I swear I should just move to a more technophillic nation.

Posted: April 5th, 2011
Categories: consumer reviews, general, gossip, journalism, news, rant, scams, science, technology, vox pop
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Sick of Influenza? A Cure is Almost Here!

A US anti-bioterrorism unit has awarded Melbourne’s Biota a $231 million contract to develop a cure for influenza.

Biota shares soared nearly 60 per cent on the news, pushing the price to $1.60 before the stock settled 35 per cent, or 37.5c, higher for the day at $1.42, the Herald Sun reported.

The deal is worth about $41 million more than the company’s entire value before yesterday’s spike.

The lucrative deal means Biota may not need to partner with a large pharmaceutical company to commercialise its anti-viral drug, Laninamavir (Lani), in the US.

Chief executive Peter Cook said the contract was a “seriously transformational event for the company”.

“We have taken this product much closer to marketability and towards realising the full value for our shareholders than we could in the past because it was necessary to licence out our drugs early,” Dr Cook said.

The deal came about because of the US government’s concerns over bio-terrorism, Dr Cook said.

Several clinical projects to combat bio-terrorist threats are being conducted.

Biota said it was scoping three facilities to see if they could meet stringent manufacturing specifications.

Lani, which is already prescribed in Japan under the brand name Inavir, is effective as a single dose compared with twice daily doses over five days for rival drugs Tamiflu and Relenza.

The US Biomedical Advance Research and Development Authority (BARDA), with which Biota has the contract, said the drug would provide “real advantages to doctors and patients during an emergency and would be an important addition to our pandemic influenza arsenal”.

The funds will finance further clinical trials of the drug and be used to prepare a detailed application to meet the Food and Drug Administration’s standards.

It could take five years or more before the drug gets the US regulator’s nod.

The global market for anti-flu drugs was worth $US4.4 billion last year and Biota estimates it could be set to receive about $US1.5 billion from sales of Lani.

Barda, which is in the US Office of the Assistant Secretary for Preparedness and Response, is not seeking ownership of the drug or exclusive rights.

Posted: April 2nd, 2011
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Messenger Probe sends Back First Pictures of Mercury

Many of you may have seen my incessant tweeting updates of the final leg of this probe, but today NASA has released the first images sent back from it. Whilst the highest resolution version of it looks like they sent an iPhone (version ONE) into space six years ago–isn’t it odd how space cameras are always shit quality?–it’s still a pretty picture to say the least.

The associated press feed reads as follows: –

NASA has released the first picture taken of Mercury’s surface by the US space agency’s orbiting Messenger craft.

“Early this morning, at 5.20 am EDT (2020 AEDT) , Messenger captured this historic image of Mercury,” NASA said.

“This image is the first ever obtained from a spacecraft in orbit about the solar system’s innermost planet.”

The spacecraft snapped 363 images over the next six hours, and more were expected to be released later today in conjunction with an expert press conference to discuss the findings.

The upper part of the image shows an unusual, dark-rayed crater called Debussy, while the lower part reveals a portion of Mercury near its south pole that has never before been witnessed by spacecraft, NASA said.

NASA’s Messenger craft – which stands for MErcury Surface, Space ENvironment, GEochemistry, and Ranging – became the first vehicle to orbit Mercury on March 17.

Messenger was launched more than six years ago, traveling through the inner solar system and embarking on flybys of Earth, Venus and Mercury.

The first NASA craft to study Mercury since the Mariner mission more than three decades ago, Messenger has already been able to return a partial map of the planet’s crater-filled surface after just a handful of flybys.

This is one of the first images from the orbital craft Messenger, at the apex of it's six year journey to Mercury.

Posted: March 30th, 2011
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Christian’s in Pakistan Fear Massacres (Again)

One particular article I came across on an asian news website I frequent detailed a lot of bigotry and outright attacks based on religion in Pakistan against Christian residents. Now you all know I hate all religions and people equally, but I particularly hate batshit insane religious zealots who go out of their way to victimise, let alone attack people based on what their particular version of the same fucking sky fairy tells them to do.

This is one of those cases. Ftr, I got a Pakistani bloke I know to contact the division of the police department mentioned, they wouldn’t confirm or deny anything (ie: it happened), and had no comment to make on the issue (ie: we got caught). I’d up the mp3 of his resultant call, but … well, it’s not in English and was quite anticlimactic for me. But god they talk fast over there. >_> My two cents of the day.

Article sourced from asianews.com: –

Kot Addu’s Christian community is facing more wrongdoings by local landlords who grabbed Christian-owned fields and shops with the complicity of local police and officials. Christian symbols are desecrated but the blasphemy law is not applied in this case. Local authorities say accusations are all made up but fail to provide legal backing for grabbing Christian property.

Lahore (AsiaNews) – More.. “I have worked all my life to buy this property. My ancestors are buried in the graveyard. I am an old man now with four four daughters. I had planned to save this property for their marriage,” said Boota Masih, as he lamented Christian powerlessness against local landlords grabbing Christian-owned land and property with the complicity of local administrators and police. His woes come as tensions rise the wake of Minority Affairs Minister Shahbaz Bhatti’s murder. If the authorities do not act, security forces warn, a tragedy like Gojra could happen again.
Kot Addu is a city in Muzaffargarh district, southern Punjab. A fresh wave of anti-Christian violence has swept over it. Last year, Christians suffered discrimination when aid was handed out to flood victims. In July 2009, a Christian man, Anwar Masih, was charged with blasphemy based on false accusations. When his family agreed to give a local Muslim lawmaker their property, they were dropped.

In recent days, Christians have had to endure even more abuse. Landowners in Kot Addu have grabbed Christian-owned stores and fields as well as a Christian cemetery. With the backing of local lawmakers and administrators, they threatened local Christians, desecrated Bibles and crosses in a local church and destroyed 150 tombs.

Local Christian leaders tried to file a case against the attackers at the Jaggi Moor Police station but got nowhere. Station House Officer Zubair Khalid drafted a First Information Report, but failed to include crucial details, thus allowing the culprits to walk free.

Speaking to AsiaNews, Boota Masih, one of the victims of local potentates, said that the local police refused to hear his complaint. Instead, they accused “Christians of illegally occupying the land on which they built their church and cemetery.”

Another Christian, Ghani Masih, noted that even though the attackers “desecrated Bibles, crosses and tombs,” the complaint against them was registered under Section 297 of the Pakistan Penal Code rather than Sections 295- and 295-B, which involve blasphemy.

Tensions have reached a critical point and many people fear outbreaks of large-scale violence like in Gojra, where thousands of extremists attacked Christian residents in August 2009 (pictured), burning eight people alive.

Last January’s murder of Punjab Governor Salman Taseer and yesterday’s execution-style assassination of Shahbaz Bhatti have made the situation worse for Christians, who now fear more than ever blasphemy-related attacks.

A Christian representative from the minority wing of Pakistan People’s Party visited Kot Addu. He promised that action would be taken in support of Kot Addu Christians.

Similarly, a local district police officer denied that anything untoward had actually happened. Instead, he said that the local Christian community made the whole thing up in order to stir up trouble.

When asked about Anwar Masih, who was forced to hand over his property under duress to have false charges dropped, the officer refused to comment.

Caucus Coup Overturns Australian Parliament

This is why caucus driven parliaments are corrupt. Kevin Rudd was spoken to by Julia Gillard who brought a request for a ballot of leadership of the Australian Labor Party, a legal bloodless coup d’etat for all intents and purposes. Kevin Rudd was voted in by the people of Australia and yet he is standing down, with a special meeting to be held tomorrow on leadership with a ‘number of factional leaders’ no longer supporting his leadership. Kevin will be contesting at the ballot tomorrow, with Julia Gizzard leaving it until late night to pop her coup. The main issue is asylum seekers, climate change, emissions trading, which is where faction leaders are having a wobbly.

A caucus is something most non-Australians may not be familiar with, but it’s fundamentally a government within a government allowing crazed parliamentarians to push batshit agendas that aren’t representative of Australians or the people who voted for them. The caucus can turn on the Prime Minister and screw him over, as we’re seeing for the first time. Kevin keeps pointing out that he was elected by the PEOPLE of Australia and not factional leaders.

While I’d be chuffed to see Australia have their first woman PM, I don’t agree with Gizzard’s coup, as loathsome as K-rudd can be at times with not following through. This is why we should elect the person, not the party, and vote for WHO we want to represent us, not just a brand name with a random and (obviously) changeable line-up. It’s abhorrent.

Ps: Early rumours that he stepped down were incorrect, there will be a secret ballot held by the Labor caucus tomorrow at 9AM.

Posted: June 23rd, 2010
Categories: celebrity gossip, epiclullz, journalism, politix
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IT Crack Monkey @KevinRuddPM’s Reality Check Bounced

As most of my international readers (and let’s face it, that’s like 800,000 per week of you, Australia only has two modems, and we have to share) are aware, our government here have been pushing an agenda to ‘censor’ the internet with a mandatory ‘clean feed’ for some time. There were protests many years ago to try and stop them but the overall response of the average punter back when they could have made a difference was “It’ll never happen.” so as much as it pains me to say it, we kind of do deserve what we get with that. But recent pure asshattery to come from our parliamentarians–who are so detached from reality they can’t even operate VCR’s, which is ironic as you can’t even buy them anymore–is something that explains why anti-virus companies were very pro-filter.

The House of Representatives Standing Committee on Communication (They don’t represent us, just batshit vocal minorities, I assure you) have stated that all Australian’s should be forced to install anti-virus and firewall software on their computers before being allowed to connect to the internet under a ‘new plan’ to ‘fight cyber crime’. And if their computer did get infected, internet service providers could cut off their connection until the problem was resolved.

Those are two of the recommendations to come from a year-long multi-million inquiry into cyber crime. They spent all the money on K-Rudd’s crack and then did an all nighter the night the findings were due. Results of the inquiry, titled Hackers, Fraudsters and Botnets: Tackling the Problem of Cyber Crime, were released last night in a 260-page report, there is no mention whether it met copyspace clearance however and may have been plagerised from first year ethics students at UWA.

In her foreword, committee chair Belinda Neal said cyber crime had turned into a “sophisticated underground economy”, before taking a rasping breath from the pipe under the table. “In the past decade, cyber crime has grown from the nuisance of the cyber smart hacker into an organised transnational crime committed for vast profit and often with devastating consequences for its victims,” Ms Neal said. I postulate whether she is referring to the ‘russian mobsters’ who ‘hacked’ a dentists website and ‘uploaded child pornography’ to ‘make money’ as Senator Conman Conroy stated when asked why a dentists office was on the super secret government black list.

During its inquiry the committee heard a growing number of Australians were being targeted by cyber criminals and that increasing internet speeds were likely to make the situation worse. Something we don’t inherently need to worry about in Australia given that we still pay several hundred dollars per month for speeds not exceeding ADSL1 technology branded as ADSL2+ with a lot of fine print that anything over 56k dialup ‘in their terms’ is ADSL2+ (forget international standards here folks).

It also heard the problem was costing Australian businesses as much as $649 million a year. Including dentists with large kiddy porn collections replacing their virtual store front. The committee looked at several different examples of cyber crime, including hacking, phishing, malware and botnets. They intently carried out this research by leeching torrents, using Back Orifice on inter-office computers, and asking each other for their banking details from fraudulent hotmail accounts, such as imnotsenatorconroy@hotmail.com.

Among its final 34 recommendations were:

  • The creation of an around-the-clock cyber crime helpline. This, I agree with. I don’t pay for phone calls so I will ring them and chant “Cocks, cocks, cocks.” until the end of time.
  • Changes to the law to make unauthorised installation of software illegal. What the fuck, seriously.
  • Companies who release IT products with security vulnerabilities should be open to claims for compensation by consumers. This I agree with. Microsoft, give me moneys.
  • Another of its recommendations was to create a new “e-security code of practice” that would define the responsibilities of internet service providers and their customers. Cocks, cocks, cocks.
  • The code of practice would see companies like Telstra give their customers security advice when they signed up and inform them if their computer ever appeared to be compromised. More fine print we won’t read and will click yes to.

For their part, customers would have to install anti-virus and firewall software before their connection was activated and endeavour to keep the software up-to-date. It pisses me off enough as it is when they ask what kind of computer I’m using to access the net, when half the time I’m not even using a computer at all, nor any OS they’d have heard of. Find me anti-virus software for my xbox, or my iPhone hard-booted to run Lunix (yes, Lunix, no, it’s not a typo)  please K-Rudd.

If a customer’s computer was infected by malware, the service provider could introduce gradual restrictions and eventually cut off their internet connection entirely until the machine was “remediated”. This implies that the Government will not only be ‘filtering’ us, but also packet sniffing our shit in a clandestine way.

This entire thing just makes me want to pre-emptively ring that hotline, or maybe Senator Conroy’s office. In fact, brb, cocks, cocks, cocks time.

Posted: June 22nd, 2010
Categories: critical thought, epiclullz, journalism, op ed, piracy, politix, rant, scams, technology, vox pop
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Israeli Story Flops: Majority of Dead Shot in Back of Head

An international aid ship en route for the beseiged Gaza Strip was intercepted by Israeli troops, the Gaza-based committee awaiting the vessel said.

“The Rachel Corrie has been intercepted 35 miles off Gaza,” a spokesman for the welcoming committee, Amjad al-Shawa, who talked with the boat, told AFP in Gaza City, the vessel 5 nautical miles off coastal waters, thus pushing the case that these seizures in international waters amount to piracy. “Several Israeli boats surrounded them and prevented them from reaching Gaza,” said Mr Shawa.

“They try to take the boat maybe to (the southern Israeli port city of) Ashdod or maybe to another place,” he said. Mr Shawa said communication with the boat had been “completely cut” but the committee would keep trying to reach them. Martin Quigley, a Dublin based spokesman for the vessel, which is carrying 15 people and tonnes of aid for Gaza, could not confirm the information and said he had not been in contact with the boat. “They had agreed to call us the minute they spotted any Israeli ships,” he said, saying he had not been able to reach the passengers on the satellite phone. “It sounds like the phone is off the hook.”

A spokeswoman for the Israeli army denied the boat had been taken over, telling AFP: “No… we are not aware of any information about that”.

Israeli governmental credibility is on the ropes after autopsies on the bodies of nine Turks revealed most were shot in the back of the head or the back, the Turks were killed in an Israeli raid on an aid ship bound for Gaza found they were peppered with bullets and many were shot at close range, a British newspaper said Saturday.  Citing Yalcin Buyuk, the vice-chairman of the Turkish council of forensic medicine, which carried out the autopsies for the Turkish ministry of justice on Friday, the Guardian said the men were shot a total of 30 times.

One 60-year-old man was shot four times – in the temple, chest, hip and back, Buyuk said. A US-Turkish citizen was shot five times at close range in the face, the back of the head, twice in the leg and once in the back.

Two other men were shot four times, and five of the victims were shot either in the back of the head or in the back, Buyuk said.

Israel has said the commandos only opened fire after they came under attack with clubs, knives, guns and other weapons, although no weapons other than deck poles were found on the vessel, and night vision footage taken by the IDF revealed that the crew only began to try and repel the attackers once weapons fire had already commenced against the unarmed civillians on board the ship.

Bulent Yildirim, head of the Islamic charity Foundation of Humanitarian Relief, which spearheaded the Gaza aid fleet, said activists used iron bars in self-defence after Israeli soldiers fired indiscriminately when they stormed the Turkish ferry Mavi Marmara.

Posted: June 5th, 2010
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Man Kills Gods; Creates Life in Lab

“God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him…”
Friedrich Nietzsche. The Gay Science (1882), s126.

Long have we theorised the above line by a madman bearing a labtern not to be talking about the literal God believed in by so many theists. Instead, we interpret, he is talking about what this god represented for European culture, the shared cultural belief in God which had once been its defining and uniting characteristic.

So to has man thrown off the yolk of theism, every element of the divine has been replicated at large through science, trickery, art, illusionism except one final element; the creation of life.

Until yesterday when flamboyant geneticist Craig Venter held true to the pledge he made nearly 15 years ago, unveiling his magnum opus. This landmark of scientific progress, published in the Journal of Science, stands on the shoulders of his race to decode the human genome in his own laboratory, egotistically his own DNA I might add.

The madman carrying this lantern has indeed created the first instance of purely synthetic life, opening the doors nanoscience falter at with the potential to create designer microbes for special jobs such as production of biofuels, pharmaceuticals, through to filtering contaminents from air and water.

“This is the first synthetic life that has been made, and we call it synthetic because the cell is totally derived from a synthetic chromasome, made with four bottles of chemcals on a synthesizer from information on a computer,” Dr Venter said.

Lauded as a tour de force by Prof. Mattick from the Australian Research Council, Dr. Venters work is as ground breaking as science gets these days, the applications for man made life are phenominal and limited only by our imagination. That being said, mans imagination can often be self destructive, so think of all the fantastic synthesized zombie viruses the US military will make with this!

The bacterium used decoded DNA from Mycoplasma mycoides imprinting the synthetic DNA and inserting it into living bacterium, in this case Mycoplasma capricolum, allowing the bacterium to flourish with both it’s own and the synthetic DNA within, then finally using an antibiotic designed to kill all but the synthetic DNA allowing only the synthesized organism to proliferate and produce protein strands from the original Mycoplasma mycoides creating, simply, artificial life.

Klatu barada neck-tie?

Botnet Targets Servers for DDoS Use

Amusing article about a not so secret bnet management system and php sploit: –

Researchers at Imperva have discovered an ‘experimental’ botnet that uses around 300 hijacked web servers to launch high-bandwidth DDoS attacks.

The servers are all believed to be open to an unspecified security vulnerability that allows the attacker, who calls him or herself ‘Exeman’, to infect them with a tiny, 40-line PHP script. This includes a simple GUI from which the attacker can return at a later date to enter in the IP, port and duration numbers for the attack that is to be launched.

But why servers in the first place? Botnets are built from PCs and rarely involve servers.

According to Imperva’s CTO, Amachai Shulman, they have no antivirus software and offer high upload bandwidth, typically 10-50 times that of a consumer PC. Are there disadvantages to this? There are simply fewer of them, the attacker needs to find vulnerable machines using PHP, and they appear to need manual control, although Shulman did say that attacks could probably be automated using a separate script.

Imperva uncovered the attack by obtaining the server attack source code, which was simply run through Google, revealing a list of servers infected with it. The company was then able to watch as the attacker used a compromised server to launch a real denial-of-service attack on a Dutch ISP. The purpose is probably extortion-related.

The controller of the botent had used the Tor anonymity system to hide his or her incoming connections, which made it impossible to judge location. The servers themselves were lone servers at hosting companies, perhaps ones not carefully monitoring outgoing traffic patterns.

Would hosting companies or website owners know they were being hijacked by one of the Internet’s oddest botnets? Most likely, only if the authorities or third-party ISP comes calling with complaints of unwanted Internet traffic.

The botnet’s GUI hints that the hijack program, and perhaps the botnet itself, was probably created to be rented out to third-parties. A message in the simple interface reminds its users “Don’t DoS yourself nub.”

Posted: May 13th, 2010
Categories: hack, journalism, news, piracy, pop culture, scams, technology
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Crashed UFO Terrorises Kids in the UK, Lullz Ensued

The 370 children at Southway Junior School, in Burgess Hill, west Sussex, saw a ‘spaceship’ crash near their school and then aliens grabbed a member of staff as part of the performance. The ‘alien invasion’ show, which was supported by Sussex Police, took place without parents being informed, leaving some furious that they had to comfort their snivelling brats.

The event was designed to “develop youngsters writing skills” and fire their imagination – but some children were left traumatised by the show. Southway School admitted that a number of parents complained after their children returned home in a “state of shock”.

Brats had to be reassured that the abducted member of staff was safe and well after he was carted off by the aliens. Police contributed to the invasion by providing sirens and flashing blue lights to signify the landing of the craft just before morning classes on July 10. Diana Goss, the headteacher, informed pupils that an alien craft had crashed near the school and pupils were encouraged to “follow a trail of debris” before stumbling across the UFO.

A member of staff was then abducted by aliens before the children were sent back to class. One parent, who did not want to be named (probably out of shame for having a pussy of a kid – ed), said he daughter had come home in tears. She said: “God only knows what the school was playing at. I mean to shock children into thinking that the aliens have landed and have abducted a teacher is just a little too much for seven-year-olds. My daughter was deeply upset by it all and came home looking shell shocked. She wasn’t sure what had happened and really wanted to know that everything was going to be alright.” said the parent, who is clearly as much of a pussy as her kid.

Another parent said: “By all accounts it sounds like something out of that film Mars Attacks or War of the Worlds. I don’t know what the school was thinking.” In 1938 thousands of Americans were left terrified after a broadcast by Orson Welles describing an alien invasion. The War of the Worlds radio announcement on October 30 lasted 60 minutes and was presented as a series of breaking news bulletins – suggesting that aliens really had landed in America.

It should be noted that internet dweebs the world over would clearly not be as scared given our invasion plans on various survivalist forums that already cover zombies, cyborgs, and of course alien invasions.

Posted: May 11th, 2010
Categories: critical thought, journalism, pop culture, sci-fi
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